The other day, I was thinking that maybe there was nothing that I was great at. I thought that maybe there wasn't anything I was great at but there's a lot of things that I'm pretty awesome at. Then I started to think that maybe it wasn't that important to be great at something; maybe it's fine to just be good at stuff. But for whatever reason, it just kept irking me.
I began to realize that being good at stuff wasn't good enough for me. I want to be great at something. Here's the thing about me: I wouldn't consider myself to have low self esteem, in fact sometimes I think it's quite the contrary. It's just that my expectations for myself are So High, that it's like, my definition of Great is like Michael Jordan or Aretha Franklin. But you don't get there over night.
Since I've been out here in Iowa, I've really started to question my value. I've been fired a lot since I've been out here and being fired so many times can really make you question your worth. Especially when you are doing your best. Especially when you can compare yourself and your performance to people on paper/practically and KNOW that you are doing better than Most of your counterparts and yet, you are being fired and they are not.
But after talking to my friend today (after having a huge fight with her yesterday), I realized that I'm a Damn good friend. I'm a GREAT friend. I'm a great friend, I was a great wife, I make a great girlfriend, I'm even a great daughter (if I do say so myself). I'm a Great Person. If there were more people like me in the world, this world would be awesome. And that's the truth. That's how I feel. In some ways, I feel I am an artistic genius and I don't need people to buy my art to validate that. That's how I feel. I have tons of ideas and just because none of them have made me millions of dollars yet doesn't make them any less valuable.
I'm just fed up with defining myself by my apparent failures. I am great. I am successful now, just because I have a damn good heart. So yeah... that's how I feel about that.